If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
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Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.