If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
You Might Also Like
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.