[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
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My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
her dad: so how did you two meet?
me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
“You’re just not enlightened enough to understand the beauty of polyamoury!”
And you’re not enlightened enough to understand just how much people in general annoy TF out of me.