@Sirrruh

If I didn’t know any better….

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@sploosk

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

@PeachCoffin

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

@singwithTaffy

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

@WineMummy

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

@10InchesPlus

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

@BigOlBossman

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

@mrjohndarby

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

@SerenityRising

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

@plsleaveamsg

“You’re just not enlightened enough to understand the beauty of polyamoury!”

And you’re not enlightened enough to understand just how much people in general annoy TF out of me.