If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
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Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.