If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.

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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.


You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
Even though you make my hair turn grey


– 911, what’s your emergency?
– My nephew just swallowed a lighter!
– What’s your address?
– Never mind, I found some matches.


Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.


Me: I will not be awkward today.
Person: hey
Me: good, thanks


Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”


The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.


Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO


I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.