BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
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Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
respect
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man