@_BryanZ_

If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.

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@Bob_Janke

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

@Divergentmama

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
Even though you make my hair turn grey

@SamuelHLowe

– 911, what’s your emergency?
– My nephew just swallowed a lighter!
– What’s your address?
– Never mind, I found some matches.

@abhorrent_wife

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

@chill_brock

Me: I will not be awkward today.
Person: hey
Me: good, thanks

@AmandasNotFunny

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

@causticbob

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

@GrantTanaka

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

@joshgondelman

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.