@ChiefTwittler

If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell

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@badbanana

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

@lyric_intent

It doesn’t matter how up-to-date your donor card is, the hospital gets really judgey when you drop off a liver unannounced.

@OctopusCaveman

[Starbucks]

Me: I’ll have a grande vanilla latte.

Barista: Soy milk?

Me: Hola Milk. Una gran latte de vainilla por favor.

@sophielou

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

@Darlainky

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

@DanMentos

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

@poizngrl

Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!

*eye twitches

@cali_cathy

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

@AnkCoupleTO

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?