Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
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Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
How do dragons blow out candles?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.