a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
if i die on a hill it’s gonna be the bottom of that hill. i’m not climbing up a hill to die
You Might Also Like
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Snakes can’t win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they’re playing into hurtful stereotypes.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I work like this:
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
You’re right, homeless man on the subway…it is a “clip your toenails into your McDonald’s cup” kind of morning.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint