My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
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Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”