@futurecreaturre

if i die on a hill it’s gonna be the bottom of that hill. i’m not climbing up a hill to die

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@KalvinMacleod

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

@Sleinso

[First date]

Her: I love parkour.

Me: *trying to impress* My ancestors were monkeys.

@michaelianblack

If countries don’t want revolutions, they should stop putting large public squares in the middle of their cities. So stupid!

@MrJeberling

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

@LeftAtLondon

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

@iamspacegirl

[Drive-thru]

CRONUS: Yes- I’ll have the bucket of popcorn children

Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir?

CRONUS: omg what did I say