if i die on a hill it’s gonna be the bottom of that hill. i’m not climbing up a hill to die

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GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me


{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.


[First date]

Her: I love parkour.

Me: *trying to impress* My ancestors were monkeys.


If countries don’t want revolutions, they should stop putting large public squares in the middle of their cities. So stupid!


What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?


Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on



CRONUS: Yes- I’ll have the bucket of popcorn children

Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir?

CRONUS: omg what did I say