COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
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the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Me: so what are you wearing sexy?
Collection agency: umm…we’ll just call back tomorrow
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
*tries to play a skeletons ribs like a xylophone*
SKELETON: you cant…it’s not- this is a mischaracterization perpetuated by the media
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
*flips table into moon*
Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.