Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
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Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
you: babe i love you
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Me to myself (in my head) : not my monkeys, not my circus.
Me: becomes ringmaster
Woman: $150 for mice removal?!
Me: Yep *dumps box of snakes*
Woman: Get them out!
Me: $300 snake removal fee
*dumps box of mongooses*
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.