If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

You Might Also Like


Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?


Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.


10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.


*both typing*

you: babe i love you

me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty


Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?


I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.


Me to myself (in my head) : not my monkeys, not my circus.

Me: becomes ringmaster


Woman: $150 for mice removal?!

Me: Yep *dumps box of snakes*

Woman: Get them out!

Me: $300 snake removal fee

*dumps box of mongooses*


I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.


Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.