If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
You Might Also Like
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Actually cracking up @ this
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing