If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
You Might Also Like
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?