If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
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2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Alexa; make it look like an accident
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
brian had himself a morning…
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍