My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
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absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
i baked you a cake
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks