If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.