If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
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Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
looks legit
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work