@AimeeHelene1

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

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@MrMichaelSpicer

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

@MdUNH

If you see a white guy in earbuds convulsing angrily with T. Rex arms, don’t freak out. I’m just jamming out to Eminem.

@crunkdumpster

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

@

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like–it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

@GloriaFallon123

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

@BangGanged

I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I’m not even married.

@midwestern_ope

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

@lisaxy424

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

@steveolivas

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

@mikescollins

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.