If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
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I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Never forget.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game