If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
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If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
God has left this place
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.