If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
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Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.