If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
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INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*