@NYC_Blonde

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

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@jonnysun

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

@2facedshepherd

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

@just1fool

Who decided to call it a proctologist and not an analyst?

@urmumsausername

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

@AndrewChamings

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

@KevinFarzad

Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.

@Bagyants

All police should quit, just to teach us a lesson. We’ll beg them to beat and gas us, but they’ll be like nope, you didn’t appreciate it