If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
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What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude