If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
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That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
*getting turned away at airport security*
But these are my emotional support bees
Welcome to 45…when you can pinch a nerve by uncrossing your legs and blinking at the same time.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.