@Jesssicle

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

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@mommajessiec

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

@siddo471

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

@ewfeez

*getting turned away at airport security*
But these are my emotional support bees

@Contigo131

Welcome to 45…when you can pinch a nerve by uncrossing your legs and blinking at the same time.

@JB4Realz

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

@Ygrene

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

@TheRolo

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

@ehdannyboy

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

@mortimermaiden

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.