If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

You Might Also Like


If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.


That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned


*getting turned away at airport security*
But these are my emotional support bees


Welcome to 45…when you can pinch a nerve by uncrossing your legs and blinking at the same time.


Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…


Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know


“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”



*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”


Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.