@waitressyoyo

If I drunk text you, please do not continue the conversation in the morning.

The sun is out. The birds are chirping. My common sense has returned. I’m now walking with the Lord.

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@MomOnFire

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

@DrDogMD

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

@DaveTheAlbino

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

@Cryborg2000

[calling my cousin while babysitting his kids] yo the one with the ski mask and the knife is refusing to go to bed

@david8hughes

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

@david8hughes

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

@HepatitisAtoZ

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes