If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

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[Conference Call]
“After the tone please say your name”
Me: *nervous* Your name


My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.


If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes


Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me


First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though


I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”


Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.


“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos


*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?