Text your mom on Thanksgiving afternoon “How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen turkey?”
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
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A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Me: how do you say yes in French?
Me: how do we say yes in French?
Such a double standard that when a guy sleeps with a ton of people he’s “cool,” but when I do I’m “lying”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s