@gigglegirlnoel

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

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@Marlebean

Fun game:
Text your mom on Thanksgiving afternoon “How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen turkey?”

@Storminika

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

@NewDadNotes

Me: how do you say yes in French?

Wife: oui.

Me:

Wife:

Me: how do we say yes in French?

@meganamram

Such a double standard that when a guy sleeps with a ton of people he’s “cool,” but when I do I’m “lying”

@JustCallMeC_

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

@RocketRankoon

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

@DanMentos

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

@CauseWereGuys

The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.

@stephenfry

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s