@gigglegirlnoel

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

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@brynnester

[Conference Call]
“After the tone please say your name”
*Tone*
Me: *nervous* Your name

@MomOfTeen

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

@numbertze

If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes

@bridger_w

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

@OBiiieeee

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

@mommajessiec

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

@StarWarsProblms

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

@iwearaonesie

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

@BigJDubz

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me: