@gigglegirlnoel

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

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@lgbk44

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

@AwkwardAndOdd

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

@notacroc

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

@hippieswordfish

ME: *fumbling with bra* sorry im usually good at this
HER: its…fine
ME: *successfully gets bra off* there we go, now you take off yours

@david8hughes

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

@meganamram

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

@Izianikapani

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?