the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
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I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
ME: *fumbling with bra* sorry im usually good at this
ME: *successfully gets bra off* there we go, now you take off yours
What if you’re a Gift Horse Dentist?
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
How did my operation go Doc?
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?