If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
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If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
can I use a minion as a tampon
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel