If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
the world’s most popular steaming services
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.