“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
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In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
If I was in StarWars I would probably just be that guy that keeps turning his lightsaber on and off and on and off like a pen.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?