[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
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[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
are there any atheist mantises?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach