@mack44_d

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

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@AnOrangeSNES

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

@TheSharona06

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

@lazerdoov

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

@RWaddell86

If I was in StarWars I would probably just be that guy that keeps turning his lightsaber on and off and on and off like a pen.

@heatherlou_

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

@notalogin

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

@13spencer

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

@Reverend_Scott

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.