@better_off_dad

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

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@sofarrsogud

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

@SugarMagicSpice

What do you get when you pick a pigs nose?
Hamboogers
I know. It snot funny. I’ll go now.

@Lerky

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

@3sunzzz

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

@delusions_of

What I said: “Let’s get together sometime.” What I meant: “Please forget you ever saw me.”

@Dawn_M_

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

@JoelKrass

Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.

@david8hughes

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

@T_Longstreth

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

@MatCro

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet