Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
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UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Who, me? Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.