@better_off_dad

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

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@DeanScott01

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.

@Rebecca8672

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

@Hobo_Splendido

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

@just1fool

Who, me? Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.

@ShortSleeveSuit

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

@EndhooS

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

@BDublicious

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

@hasht4g

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

@sixfootcandy

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

@MustardSally1

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.