@MisterRots

If I ever become a ghost, no way I’m haunting some abandoned building. I’m finding the nearest lingerie store and setting up shop there

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@jonnysun

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

@KattsDogma

My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT

@DanaSchwartzzz

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

@Sorrowscopes

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

@SteveKoehler22

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

@NinjaSweatpants

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

@CAshmanActor

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

@chuuew

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

@CM2BTTHD

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

@pharmasean

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person