INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
If I ever become a ghost, no way I’m haunting some abandoned building. I’m finding the nearest lingerie store and setting up shop there
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My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..
all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
god: it also makes quiche
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person