If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
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me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture