if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
You Might Also Like
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go