5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
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car not found
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he