Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
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Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
trying to convince my mom that when someone texts her a joke, if it’s REALLY funny, convention is to reply with three eggplant emojis.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
How to stop an unwanted DM.
Hi, how are you?
Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I’m a psychotic cow, how are you?
Nelly: it’s getting hot in here
me: no it’s not
Nelly: [taking off all his clothes] it is
me: you have a fever
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.