If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

You Might Also Like


Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.


8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.


He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.


Me: “people always think I’m gay! Do I put off a gay vibe?”

Guy whose back I’m massaging in a bubble bath: “maybe a little”


first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it


Me: “There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can’t resist-”



Cop pulled me over said “papers”
I replied with “scissors, I win” and drove off.
Now I’m doing hard time on the rock.


Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se


[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?


My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”