If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
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[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower