My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
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The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Art by Pastelkatto
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
what the
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I get distracted pretty eas
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.