If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
You Might Also Like
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My love language is deader than Latin
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!