if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
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Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
a public service announcement
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.