If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
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Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!