me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
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GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.