if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
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gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
The struggle is real.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
At least try to make it slightly believable
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?