Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
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Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.