If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
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Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
*limbos away from your hug*
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?