@ManJuggs

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

You Might Also Like

@TheHyyyype

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

@brockwilbur

My fav sci-fi this year is the Bank of America ad where the 30 year old dude with a new baby has $56k in his checking account.

@mommywhitfield

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

@better_off_dad

Beer is proof that God wants us to have fun…

…whiskey is proof that Satan wants there to be stories about it.

@eTHEgoddess

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

@Jake_Vig

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

@jensrmk

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

@rachelle_mandik

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

@truegritrumble

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.