@ManJuggs

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

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@marlespo

My 8 yr old just asked me how the first microchip was built at the exact time I was wondering what other animals got sweaty armpits.

@lovemydogduck

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

@Parkerlawyer

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

@Parkerlawyer

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

@murrman5

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

@AntozWolf

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

@KateWhineHall

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

@gruffybeard

Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…

@WhiteVictimacy

Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies

@simoncholland

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.