If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
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Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
🤣🤣🤣
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases