Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

hardest line in real life

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.