If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*