So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
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For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.