My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
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would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
You know…for fall…
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..