If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

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*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door


*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first


My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.


when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it


Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.


When I see crate of kittens in a pet store I think “oh a crazy cat lady starter kit!”


we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us


me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out