*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
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My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Who were the kings of disco?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
When I see crate of kittens in a pet store I think “oh a crazy cat lady starter kit!”
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out