If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
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It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
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.
.
.
.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.