If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”

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It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone


“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.


You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.


I would never take candy from a stranger, but I’d probably follow a trail of bacon straight into the back of a windowless white van.


ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?


I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.


That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.


Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.