@TomHanksIsHot

If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”

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@bridger_w

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

@jwoodham

“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.

@sixfootcandy

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

@shkeeber

I would never take candy from a stranger, but I’d probably follow a trail of bacon straight into the back of a windowless white van.

@ArfMeasures

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

@XplodingUnicorn

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

@RobElliottComic

That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.

@sixfootcandy

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.