If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
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The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis