If I ever lose my phone I want Liam Neeson looking for it

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I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…


Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.


My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.


Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.


Been planning to buy this ram since, but I’ve been procrastinating. Now I just found out the farmer already sold the animal to one boats man.

I’m finally ready to buy, but that sheep has sailed


I always carry a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks, here, have some.”


Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.


“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.


I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed


her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it