If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
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[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)